Dear Ted:
Sadly, I must admit defeat. I shall never persuade you to give me salacious tidbits about the hot and talented William Fichtner, nor shall I ever persuade myself to care about Robsten so, alas, we part. Let me also just add, although I do in fact have a rescue kitty, and I take very good care of her, I really don’t like her all that much.
—Diane

Dear Pussy-Whipped:
Considering that this is your 2,659th email about this man, Diane, I think this is best—for everyone. I’m sure your kitty doesn’t like you either, since you spend all your time ogling the very unhot, very not R.Pattz, William Fichtner. Here’s a split shot of the two, just so you (and the world) can see how wrong you truly, truly are. But dare we say, don’t they look like they could be related, oddly enough? You know, if he was Rob’s Benjamin Button-suffering uncle or something? Ta!

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